I’ve spent a lot the last thirty years aware of my limitations, and as the bad aspects of life came through to me, increasingly anxious of the lack of control I have in my life. Mental health was not an important issue to the generation above me. They were aware of the difficult times during the Second World War and the pain and suffering people had experienced. They just got on with things and if you struggled mentally they saw you as weak.
So I did the same. Talked about it to my doctor a couple of times but always got through it, just about. Took the things out of my life that caused this hurt, except Ipswich Town, on the decline in the early 1990’s, and looked at end points and targets to drag me through. You had bad days but I stopped them becoming weeks or more. You certainly didn’t let it stop you working, even if I did miss a few events I was invited too as I was working through my plan to cope.
Late 1990 to early 1992 was a particularly bad time, late 2014 to early 2016 was possibly worse but I came through, probably unnoticed by even those close to me. Since March 2020 though the Covid-19 experience has really caused me problems. Initially worried for elder friends, people who were ill, and my parents, the Conservative press were quickly and unpleasantly saying us middle-aged fat males were done for too. No sympathy, no sugar coating, just plain nasty we told you so gloats. That didn’t help at all.
When I was in my twenties I tried to write poems. I wasn’t very good, and still am not, but I tried to put feelings into words. After a short period around the Millennium where I found it therapeutic I started again two years back. The first thing I wrote was this which I called ‘Phobia Boy’
PHOBIA BOY
I fear that I awake from slumber to a coating of dense snow,
Knowing my day is set and there’s a long way I need to go,
I fear somebody putting a ladder where my feet need to walk,
That I sound a real idiot the minute I find some words to talk,
I fear snakes, the political right, terrorists and the number thirteen,
We all have things we’re struggling with if you know what I mean.
I fear that my good qualities seem to be inadequate today,
That my path gets more uneven as I go along life’s way,
I fear a ringing telephone bringing bad or sorrowful news,
My continual sporting failures are a constant story of the blues,
I fear the postman dropping shocks or problems on our floor,
My routines and OCD means constant checking just to feel sure.
Everyone is different with what mess combines to create us,
We all try to get through our life with the minimum of fuss,
Just trying to get to my safe place and be protected from fears,
I’m just a normal Phobia Boy with personal trauma and despairs.
It is just my way of saying the things apart from the big scary ‘D’ word that I’m uncomfortable with. I find a lot of things worrying and we all have things we find strange or spooky that affect us badly. I want to feel normal but in this ‘New Normal’ deep down I don’t feel so.
End points are crucial to being able to cope. Knowing with certainty the final point is crucial. Covid-19 doesn’t seem to allow this, we have vague hopes at a vaccine but no timeline. One day the news is all positive and attempting optimism. The next they hit you with realities and turn up the fear factor to morbid.
Life has changed irreparably and hope of control is a pipe dream right now, but most people are deep natured and find a way to battle through.
May we all find our inner strength and pull through this crazy time.